A Carding of Dreams, Woven With Reality Spin Together to Bring You the One and Only
Published on December 5, 2004 By BigDreamer415 In Blogging
I'm the guy who hides it all. You see me walking in the halls, staring at the floor as you pass me. I pretend my dad never beat me. I pretend he actually cared. I see him sitting in the stands the night I won my first little league game. I see him there, but then I snap back to reality and the figment is gone; all I see is the floor tile.

I'm the girl who you see in the cafeteria during 7th hour. I'm the girl who's emotionally abused by my ex. He makes me come over during lunch hour and sleep with him. He has me so much under his grasp, that I'm scared of what will happen. What will happen if I tell him no? I told one person my secret and she promised it wouldn't get out. I want to tell him no, but I can't. I've got a pretty smile, but my head hangs low and sometimes I want to kill myself.

I'm the guy you see walking to work everyday. I'm the one who tried drugs a year ago and couldn't put it down since. I'm the guy who risks my life to get my fix. I tell you I'm alright. And, I will be, as soon as I smoke my next joint.

I'm the girl you see working at Shopko. I'm the girl who's been in so many unstable relationships, yet I can never hate any of them. They've wronged me so badly, and yet I forgive them so easily. I'm the girl who tried to kill herself a year ago. Downed a whole bottle of tylenol. My psych said I should check into the ward for 3 weeks. I'm thinking about it now. I'm the girl who hurts so bad, I can't handle it. I feel like I'm alone in the world and there's nothing I can do. I'm the girl next to you who just wants to be loved and respected.

I'm your neighbor. I'm the kid who wears tons of eyeliner and baggy pants. My nose, my lips, eyebrows and ears, all peirced. The pain brought comfort. I'm the kid who hopes you never figure me out, 'cuz if you did, you might just die from the pain you see. You might just die from all the true horror stories I could tell you.

I'm the man who cheated on his wife. You see me everyday at the office. In a "moment of madness" I lost it all. My wife, my daughters and son. I lost their respect, and their love. I think about it every day and every night. Every waking minute is spent thinking about this resounding mistake. And every sleeping moment is spent dreaming about it. Dreaming about my family, my dignity, my mistakes.

Sad thing is, I'm sure these are all true. I've seen two of them, at least. While I go on smiling, in my nice little world, these people are hurting... suicidal... they just want to be loved. They just want to go back and start over. They just want to erase the hurt from their past.

~Sarah

Comments
on Dec 06, 2004
Only they can ease their hurt. You can't do anything other than live your life greatly and ensure that it never happens to you.

I would tell every one of these people to read Atlas Shrugged.. or for the short attention spans in the room, read the Galt manifesto near the end of the book... (it's online all over the place in violation of copywrite, ironic considering)

Oh, and listen to a little RUSH while you're at it "Closer to the Heart"
on Dec 06, 2004
It is a sad fact. It seems parents are ignorant, helpless, or don't care enough to try to support their children and get them through these sorts of trials. It is also unfortunate that people like me, you, and everyone aren't doing more for these folks. A woman has an abortion at 17 and is shunned by her friends and family after they told her to do it in the first place. A woman chooses to leep her child and give him/her the best life possible, yet is shunned just the same. It is sad that people seem to put their pride and self-glory above the needs and the need-of-love of others. BigDreamer415, thank you for reminding us of how much need there is in the world.
on Dec 06, 2004
John, good advice. Sometimes I just wish there was more I could do, ya know?

ttraider, you're right... parents don't care enough to support their children. While you're right about the woman who has an abortion or gives her child up, most of the time, although I feel sorry for them, it's not that hard to say, "well, it was their choice, and they shoulda used a condom, and if they did realize that condoms aren't 100% baby-proof."

Thanks for the comments.

~Sarah
on Dec 07, 2004
BigDreamer, without trying to sound cynical, I have to say I read your little missive with more than a touch of it. Sure, there are shitty people in the world that continue to do shitty things to those around them. The niavety of your post made me smile yet had me thinking 'this person needs a wake-up call'. You can do so much to help people who are down, but in the end, the line just gets longer.

I'm not advocating ignoring people who cry for help. Providing guidance and support for those who truly need it is a wonderful activity. But there are also those out there who would take advantage of good people like yourself. They arm themselves with tears and hard-luck stories and then shaft you as soon as you turn your back.

Not all cheating spouses are trying to break their marriages up; not all drug users are useless; not all attempted-suiciders deserve sympathy. This may sound harsh, but this is Reality. Welcome...

Cheers,

Maso
on Dec 11, 2004
Not all cheating spouses are trying to break their marriages up; not all drug users are useless; not all attempted-suiciders deserve sympathy. This may sound harsh, but this is Reality. Welcome...


Hun, first of all, I didn't say all cheating spouses are trying to break their marriages up, because most of them probably aren't. And, I don't believe anyone is useless. I also didn't say that all attempted-suiciders deserve sympathy.

Do you realize just how many examples of logical fallicies you provided in your comment? I think you need a wake-up call and a lesson in logic.

~Sarah
on Dec 13, 2004
Sometimes, all you need to do for these people to realise life is good, just smile at them - sure, you could look a little crazy with a goofy smile on your face all day long - even when it's pouring rain or your football team just lost, but if it makes one person smile back - it's all worth it!

trust me - I know
on Dec 31, 2004

You know, I rather enjoyed this peace, in a weird type of way.

It portrayed some of your admirable qualities, one of them being caring.  When you can do that through writing, you know you've got skill.  

Trinitie

on Jan 01, 2005
Sarah,

Now don't be offended, it was not my intent. I saw what you were saying one way, you see it another. Maybe I do need a wake up call, who knows.

Without knowing you at all, this post gives me the impression you are a very caring person, like me. But I have spent far too much time in my life supporting people who only view the negatives but never see the positives, to the detriment of those around them. Sometimes it is necessary to let people have their head and sort out their own problems.

Happy New Year to you and yours.

Cheers,

Maso
on Jan 01, 2005
Maso, sorry if I overreacted and took offense when none was meant. Thanks for your point of view.

Happy New Year to you, as well!

~Sarah
on Jan 01, 2005
Sarah, thanks for being civil. And no apology is necessary. I was concerned with my response initially as it did seem hastily written. I have a tendency to type and post without really reading what I've said (I am a 90 word plus a minute touch typist). I will endeavour to be more clear in the future. I appreciate your honesty and I also appreciate your humanity.

May 2005 bring you all you deserve and more.

Cheers,

Maso
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